Edward Scissorhands
by heygurlheyyyy
Summary: he has scissors


It was a sunny morning and Edward was sitting in his castle thing carving ice sculptures of penises with his gigantic-ass scissor hands.

"UUurgrghrhrhrhrhrhrhhrrh…" Edward sighed as he continued sculpting the ice. He halted when he felt a strange sensation in his stomach.

Edward looked down and heard his stomach gargle, and soon he heard a barely audible fart come out from his behind.

He then heard his stomach gargle again and this time an even louder noise came out from his derrière. "OOOOHHHHHH GOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!!" Edward cried as he jumped up and stopped carving the ice.

"What is this feeling, so sudden and new-?" Edward began to sing when suddenly a large rock was thrown inside the castle's window and landed right on Edward's face.

"AAAAHHH!! WHYYYYYYY????" Edward cried as he fell to the ground and another fart pushed through his butt hole. Edward jumped up and looked at the rock, which had a note attached to it. He tried picking up the note, but ended up cutting through it with his scissor-finger thing.

"CHRIST!" Edward shouted to the sky. He examined the torn note but recognized the name at the bottom: _Kim_.

"_OMFG!!!!"_ Edward cried as he broke through another window and jumped out, yelling, "I'M COMING FOR YOU, KIM!" He then landed on the ground face first.

A group of teenyboppers gathered around him and laughed. "HAHAHA! GEE WILLERCKERS!" cried a boy.

"WHATTA HOOT-'N-NANNY!" laughed another.

"_GOLLY GEE_! US KIDS IN THE 90'S SURE KNOW HOW TO KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES THESE DAYS!!" Another shouted, holding up a 500-pound "cell phone", which soon crushed him. This made the other teeny-bo-beenies laugh even louder.

Edward looked up at the teens with a sad face that looked like a sad face. He started to cry while the teens continued laughing.

"HAHA! WHERE'S YOUR PRECIOUS KIM, NOW?" A teen shouted.

"SUCKER!"

"_IN MY ASS!"_

The teens looked at the person who hollered that, and it was a guy wearing an "ATL" hoodie.

"HOLLA!" The guy shouted before disappearing into the sunset.

Edward whimpered as his ass started to hurt, and he looked at the teens with pleading eyes. "PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE????" He cried.

He then let out a gigantic fart.

"EEEWWWWWWW!!!" The teenagers shouted and then ran away.

"WWWHHHYYY?? WHY IS THE WORLD SO_ CRUEEEELLLL_???" Edward raised his hands to the sky and started to sob. Poor Edward, his day had gone horribly wrong so far and he had no idea why loud noises were coming from his asshole!

An elderly woman then came walking down the street wearing a teeny-weenie yellow polka dot bikini. She had long hair that had been dyed blonde with shit dying products, and wore a nametag right on her breast that said: "Hi, my name is Kim."

"Recognize me, Edward?" The old woman looked at Edward as she walked slowly up to him. Then her hip broke.

"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!" The elderly Kim cried as she fell to the ground in pain. 'SGAUGGLE SGUAGGLE AGGAH AGGAHAAHAHAEEHAHA!!!!!"

Edward stared at the elderly woman. "Nope, don't recognize you one bit!" Edward replied.

Kim started to squirm on the ground. "LOOK INTO MY EYES, EDWARD! _PLEASE_! YOU KNOW WHO I AM!"

Edward squinted as he observed the woman, then shook his head.

"GOD DAMNIT, EDWARD! LOOK AT THE FUCKING NAMETAG RIGHT ON MY GIGANTIC, SAGGY BREAST YOU FUCKRTARD!!" Kim grabbed Edward by his hair and pulled him closer to her.

"AAAAAHHHH!!! THE TALKING PENIS IS GOING TO RAPE ME!!" Edward cried as he flailed his scissor hands around and accidentally stabbed Kim in the back. She then fell to the ground in a pool of blood.

"_FINALLY!_" A bunch of people in town cried as they ran up to Edward and dog piled him and preceded to rape him.

Edward squirmed his head out from under the pile of women (and some men too, hur hur hurrr!) and stared at the dead elderly woman. She was lying face up, and he observed her body and saw her nametag. He reached out his gigantic-ass scissor finger thingy and tried gently ripping off the nametag, but accidentally stabbed her twenty-something times.

"_DAMNIT_!" Edward cried as the orgy of men and women sitting on top of him were crushing him slightly. He reached out carefully again to the nametag, but jumped and jammed his scissor-finger thingy-ma-bobber into the elderly woman's nametag and breast as he felt a long "object" stuck up his bum.

"OOOHH GOD!" Edward cried out as he squirmed his ass around and slid his finger out of the elder's breast. He managed to remove the nametag, but there was a tear through it!(ANOTHER TEAR?! OH NOO!! LOLOLOL!!11!)

Edward started to whimper, then he let started to sob.

He then let out another gigantic fart.

"HOLY FUCKING GOD!!" Several men and women shouted as they jumped off of Edward and ran away. The stench of the fart was so thick that several woodland animals died and dead birds fell from the sky.

"HAHA! LET IT RIP, BOY!" A redneck man with buckteeth and a gray beard shouted as he tried thrusting himself into Edward.

Edward stabbed him in the chest and threw him into the street, where a passing Oscar Meyer Wiener truck hit him.

"HA HA! WIENER!" The man driving the truck shouted. He then smashed the truck into a medical center for flowers.

The medical center then caught on fire and exploded into more flames.

"OOOH GOD!!!!" One of the flowers yelled as it limped out of the medical center. "WHYYY??!! WHYYYYY???!!!"

More flowers limped out screaming and crying. Some managed to get out of their pots and escape, but most were dead, since flowers are so flammable and all that jazz.

One daisy dragged its burnt self and its pot up to Edward and smacked him with his petal, which gave no effect on Edward.

"Why, sir? Whyyy..." It whispered. Then some hot soup was poured on it.

"But I didn't do anything!" Edward shouted to the flower, which was now a pile of ashes.

Edward then stood up. "I AM HULK! FEAR ME!" He shouted to the sky.

Then, a little boy with glasses walked in front of Edward. "I came," he announced. Everyone from the orgy earlier ran back and looked at the little boy. Then everyone was patting the boy on the back and praising him.

"_OH MY_, HE HAS JUST CUM!" A woman shouted.

"YOU'RE A MAN NOW, WILLIAM!" A man cried.

"WAS IT IN A WOMAN'S VAGINA?" A hermaphrodite asked. Everyone, including Edward-fucking-scissor hands, stared at him.

"N-No..." The little boy gulped. "…I-I M-M-master…Poker face."

Everyone looked at the boy, repulsed.

"BE A MAN!" The hermaphrodite shouted.

Then everyone sang_ THAT _song from _Mulan _and shit happened.

Later on when everyone left to go and have orgies with the Muppets, Edward took Kim's dead body and left it in his castle, so he could stare at it and rape it foreva (UNTIL IT DECOMPOSES BECAUSE THAT'S HOW SCIENCE WORKS)!

**THE END!**


End file.
